|
|
|||||||||
|
Remembering Trauma
A Survivor's Reflections: "Maybe providence intervened in one sense: There was no doubt in my mind about what had occurred in the doctor's office. Furthermore, I had told a number of people about what the doctor had done. Finally, I even committed myriad details to a notepad. Many victims of abuse probably haven't been able to do this. For these individuals, the details of a rape or incestuous attack might become more or less buried in a collage of many other memories through the years."
|
|||||||||||||
|
Many therapists believe that trauma survivors sometimes block the memory of a traumatic experience from their consciousness. (See Ottawa Recovered Memory.) However, the concept of "repressed memory" has been denied by other therapists. Diana Russell has addressed the heated debate with her assertion that some individuals on both sides of the argument have erred.
Several decades ago, no one talked about rape or incest. Then, in 1975, Susan Brownmiller's groundbreaking work, Against Our Will, was published. In the late 1970s, the trauma of rape was addressed by Ann Wolpert Burgess, a nurse, in Rape: Crisis and Recovery. These books validated the experiences of millions of women who had suffered in silence. Incest survivors, too, were encouraged to come out of their prison of silence, and reveal the damage imposed by their perpetrators. In 1978, Sexual Assault of Children and Adolescents was published (Ann Wolpert Burgess). The Best Kept Secret: Sexual Abuse of Children was published in 1980 (Florence Rush).
As early as 1972, Phyllis Chesler mentioned the problem of sexual abuse by psychiatrists in her book Women and Madness. Ann Burgess's groundbreaking work, Sexual Exploitation by Health Professionals was released in 1986. Pauline Trumpi drew from a wealth of published papers and her own experience in writing Doctors Who Rape (first published in 1992). An expanded, updated edition went to press in 1997: Doctors Who Rape: Malpractice and Misogyny.
Rape, sexual abuse, and sexual exploitation have been recognized as not only real, but traumatic. These abuses are often kept secret because of stigma and shame. Child relinquishment, too, is characterized by stigma, shame and secrecy. However, even today, many people are reluctant to acknowledge survivors of child relinquishment and their traumatic memories. Why? Maybe the main reason is that, while child relinquishment severely damaged many relinquishing mothers, the adopters were healed when they gained a baby. Adopters were "healed" of their childlessness. Even today, perhaps most women and men view adoption only in positive terms. They choose not to look at how adoption has traumatized women who have surrendered their babies to adoption.
Dusky was the first birthmother to come out of the closet by writing a book. Her autobiography, Birthmark, was released in 1979. Since then, a number of birthmothers have written about their experiences, but none have written with as much unadulterated courage, clarity and eloquence as Dusky. Many birthmothers have been inspired by her willingness to bare her soul.
Birthmothers remember the trauma of child relinquishment, though they might repress some of the more painful details. What seems to run through the psyche of birthmothers is a feeling of betrayal. Parents or other authority figures advised or even coerced these girls to relinquish their babies. More than a decade ago, Jennifer Freyd introduced the words "betrayal trauma." (See betrayal trauma theory) I believe her definition is applicable to many cases of child relinquishment!
I first wrote about the trauma of this type of betrayal in 1994. In Search for Paul David, I also wrote about "birthmother trauma syndrome" and described it as a type of posttraumatic stress disorder. I believe this disorder is manifested in varying degrees in women who have surrendered their babies to adoption. I also believe that surrender of one's child has an aftermath so powerful that it impinges on many important aspects of a woman's life and colors many of her decisions, actions, and relationships.
The holocaust of child relinquishment should not be forgotten. Remembering trauma can be a catalyst for educating society and preventing the repetition of trauma. The medical model to describe the effects of trauma is useful because that is the paradigm understood by most therapists and health practitioners.
Empowerment of veteran birthmothers is a fairly recent phenomenon --which some might perceive as a social movement. Interestingly, the seeds of birthmother empowerment were planted after the dawn of feminism, and after abortion rights legislation. Social movements often result in a backlash, such as we have seen with feminism and pro-choice movements.
And so we wonder: What does the future hold for the empowerment of birthmothers and adoptees? One thing is clear: We do not forget the babies we birthed, nor should we. Furthermore, remembering our babies goes hand in hand with remembering relinquishment trauma.
A society that condemned young women to relinquishment-annihilation of their babies for a lifetime should be ashamed of itself! For a woman who rejects abortion, nurturing and birthing a baby is woman's most sacred passage. What kind of society withholds support from her? Women who have survived child relinquishment are true survivors.
Letter to Adoptee Who Searched for BirthMother:
Dear _______,
I am sorry that you experienced rejection from your birthmother. You felt the pain of rejection! She, too, is dealing with a pain so powerful that it can't be put into words, nor can it be truly understood by those who have not experienced what she has.
Part of your mother's pain is this: If it were not for the rape, she would not have
relinquished. Dealing with a forced pregnancy is excruciating; dealing with
relinquishment proves to be far worse! However, relinquishing mothers cannot foresee
the pain they will experience! After her child is lost to adoption, the woman comes
out of denial and begins to feel intense pain.
Your mother most likely has never worked through her feelings of anger at the rapist
and anger about the rape. The rapist completely changed her life! (He most likely
went merrily on his way.) She not only lost you; she lost the person she would have
been if the rape had not occurred.
On top of that, she has anger about losing her own child...a child that was part of her!
Your coming into her life as an adult cannot give back her baby, her child.
My rape and relinquishment caused me years of writing (and years of anger) to get through it all. I couldn't begin to deal with it at all, until I began the search for my son.
My journey to peace took me about 15 years. During that time, I sent three books to press. My books were attempts to transform my painful experiences into something
other than pain. My writing is educational as well as cathartic.
If I hadn't been a writer, I'm not sure how I would have coped with the search and
reunion experience. It turns out, my lost/found son has a great interest in reading and
writing, so he understands my need to put things on paper.
We went through some rocky times early on; but I'm not one to give up easily. I felt
that, unless I kept trying to build a relationship, we both might be damaged. Working through all the feelings was a great deal of work, but was a necessary part of building
a relationship. (My son, his wife and two children are visiting my area in a couple weeks and will spend an afternoon with me.)
Please educate yourself about the effects of relinquishment and the effects of rape on a woman's soul. I'm glad you have found your journey to peace. I hope your mother finds hers.
|
|||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||
 |
|||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||
| page created with Easy Designer |